Disposable Zeroes. Is your band making it harder for the rest of us?
And now it's time for a fireside chat with ye olde Two Tub Man. Today we're going to talk about your shitty band and why you should stop assaulting the world with your bleeting drivel. Yes, the time has come for you to take your lumps for all the dross you've unleashed. Sad but true, tis time to pay the piper.
You see, here at thee manor I encounter a plethora of music on a daily basis. Whether it's the endless hunts for boss tunage in the musty racks of my local churches (nee record stores) or my monthly review stacks, ordered records, trades, etc the glut just never ends. Now, the one thing that drives me fucking absolutely looney is bad music. Of course, by bad I don't mean poorly performed. That's often a good thing. I refer to the issue of poorly plotted derivative garbage. Vanity releases, thinly veiled cover bands who live in denial, overhyped and bloated stabs at fame, and so on all fall into this category. Chances are your crummy band exists in the conclaves of one or more of these myopic sub sects in hopes of entry into thee pantheon of thee greats. Fucking forget it. Ain't gonna happen. Fold up the tents and pack it in. The train to Palookaville leaves in five minutes and you'd best not miss it.
Now, with that said it's time to delve deep into the grey matter of the schmucks that have been torturing us for all these years. We'll start with the ever classic vanity release...
Vanity :
So, you played your first ten shows and all 15 of your friends say you're the best thing since sliced white bread. You made a grande total of 150 dollars off of these shows and you have spotted someone wearing your band's shwag that you gave away. What else is there to do besides conquer the world with a shiny coaster or unshaped ashtray to commemorate your tour de force of rock? PAUSE!
Reality calling on line one! Just because your friends in Horseshit, Utah (pop. 250) say you rage like a cross between PLASTIC BERTRAND and CAMEL doesn't mean anyone else wants to hear it. Your girlfriend likes your band because it's too embarrassing to admit she fucks a talentless hack. Your little brother is hoping you get big so he can score snizz with the old "That's my brother up there wailing out his big hit "Rock N Roll Colonoscopy! I totally helped co-write it!" trick. Your mom and dad are just hoping you make it so next Thanksgiving they don't have to hear your relatives snicker when they ask "So, how's things over at Safeway?" Your friends are morons. Well, maybe not all of...Never mind! Yes, they are all MORONS! They will like your band for the same reason your little brother does. The bottom line: you will have 499 of the 500 you pressed collecting dust in your garage for the next 50 or so years. NO ONE CARES!
Now, on to the cover band that doesn't even know it. We all know a band or two that copies the sound of another band.
Copy: An imitation or reproduction of an original; a duplicate: A copy of a painting; Made two copies of the letter.
It's okay to divine inspiration from the creative depths of musical genii before you. It's ok to cop a piece of that killer bridge in your all time favorite tune "Frog Sausage" by the mighty TRUCK STOP BATHROOM ATTENDANTS. I won't tell. What's horrible is when you deliberately set out to sound like another band, write lyrics like another band, basically try to be that band. Why bother? That band already exists. If you want people to hear how great a tune "Frog Sausage" is just buy a thousand dollars worth of copies and mail them to people. By no means should you write your loving homage to TSBA's mega hit.
You should not write "Toad Jerky" or whatever similar set up you can conjure. You should break your fingers before you even think of picking the guitar up. I know you're tempted. There are rare exceptions to this rule. And unless your name is, say, Jimmy Page (it isn't) you should leave it alone. The only other exception is if you can use something from that band and improve upon it. All music has been done. You can use past music as a building block and that's acceptable. Changing one progression in the song or re writing any less than 2/3 of the lyrics is not acceptable or cool. Unless you think Pat Boone is cool (he's not).
Hyped, hyp·ing, hypes: To stimulate with or as if with a hypodermic injection: “Hyped the country up to a purposeless pitch”
You totally blew the guy who books all the gigs at Roscoe's Fine Music, Car Wash, and Salad Bar Emporium. You gave a reach around to the nerd who writes the local music column. (By the way, he doesn't actually listen to any of the bands. He's only in it for the guest list, free booze, and reach arounds from lowly schmucks like you.) You went to Roscoe's night after night decked out in your band's merch. You even had glossy press pics made.
People bought into it so they came out to see your band. Problem is, your band fucking sucks and all the gimmicks and attention in the world won't save you once you leave the city limits of your fine hamlet. Little by little your audience will dwindle so unless you can handle that you'd best pack it up. "It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll" and there ain't no express elevators that I can see that don't head straight down after 2 seconds of upward movement. You will not be another METALLICA or GREEN DAY. You won't even be that band that had that one song a few years ago. "Remember them? Yeah, me either. But I hear the oboe player works at Safeway now." This band is basically the same as the vanity band but slimier.
The point is that unless you're able and willing to work without a net you need to pack it in. As shit hot as you think your new band is, you need to ask yourself, "Will it fly in Goatfuck, Alabama on a Wednesday night? Can I live with that?" If the answer is 'no', you better get your ass outta here with your new fangled cd little mister. Cuz I got some news for you. You are single handedly fucking it up for all the bands that said 'yes'. Yep, all the bands that give 110% whether there's 1000 or 2 people there are ready to kill you. As a music fan I'm personally ready to strangle you with rusty razorwire. You are turning people off to music. I truly believe that the real reason you are seeing more downloading and less buying is that there are just too many bands and nobody likes to get burned. It's like copping from somebody you don't know. You want a sample first. And once you have that free sample you want it all free of charge. Why not? Once the cat's outta the bag you might as well go whole hog. Sides, I can count on my fingers out of the hundreds of recordings I've heard this year the number that were truly flawless from end to end. It turns me off and I'm a music junkie. I'm to the point where I don't even buy things until I've heard them (Japanese stuff aside that is). Review sections are as bloated as ever. With so much music out there there has to be a reason no one is buying. The answer is your band. Now go pawn those instruments for drugs already.
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