JUNE 2006 - So we're leafing through one of those inferior music publications one day, and found ourself staring at this weird list of fifty 'most collectable' albums. We started discussing the concept, and agreed that people must really love these types of lists, as most mainstream rock publications knock out several each year. Most of them seem to be whipped up the following way:
Whoola! An instant list of 50, 100, or even 500 albums you must own! These are the reasons why those music industry types make the big dollars.
Anyway, in a response to this madness, we decided to come up with a list of albums that would NEVER make anybody's "must-own" list. Some of them are criminally overlooked masterpieces. Some others represent bad ideas, weird themes, or concepts that didn't quite work. And some are just plain atrocious. After all, anybody can come up with a list like the one above. But it takes real music geeks to study the off-albums, mis-steps, and dark spots of the discographies. Fear not; all of these little darlings are interesting in their own way.
50. THE MIST – “Gottverlassen”, 1999 – Here’s an odd scenario: a Brazilian band that few metal fans have heard of featuring a guitarist who was in not one, but two of his country’s best known bands, that releases an album with a German title that few metal fans have heard. Such is the case of THE MIST, Jairo Guedz (SEPULTURA, OVERDOSE) and “Gottverlassen”. Apparently they were under the radar for most of the 90s, and while this album isn’t a steaming pile, it’s also suffering from an acute case of “Me Too” Syndrome. The riffs are of the serviceable D-tuned thrash variety in the same tradition as Jairo’s other bands. However, the vocals on here aren’t worthy to lick the boots of either Max or Baza (or, for that matter, Derrick Green), and would sound like nothing more than broken English talking if it wasn’t for the faintly gritty digital effects. Cheaters! In the end, completists who gobble up all things Brazilian thrash should get this one. For everyone else, it’s a trivia question and not much else.
49. SIX FINGER SATELLITE - "Paranormalized", 1996 - SFS’s third full length (and fifth counting two eps) release finds them pouncing the punk ethos with liberal use of Moog technology. I find it hilarious that some local wet behind the ears music writer here in South Florida had the gumption to claim that Trans Am was the pioneering “indie rock” group to start the synth thing. Synthesizers were a part of the SIX FINGER SATELLITE sound as early as 1992. Trans Am started using them in 1995-96 in the middle of recording their first album. And who did they open for when they did their first tour? SFS when they were promoting “Paranormalized”, that’s who. This record had a much more distinct sound of it’s own rather than the “to close for CHROME comfort” of it’s predecessor. Cuts like “30 Lashes”, “Do the Suicide”, “Coke and Mirrors” and “Paralyzed by Normal Life” prove these guys delivered tha goods in spades.
48. IMPIOUS – “Terror Succeeds”, 2000 – Here’s a great example of a band that, unfortunately, just gets overshadowed by more successful counterparts. Sweden’s IMPIOUS plays a ferocious thrash/death hybrid similar to THE CROWN, but with far less to show for it. The approach of these guys is a far more chaotic and unpredictable one as opposed to the seemingly more popular “death & roll” approach of their fellow countrymen. It’s a shame, really, that one of these bands got to tour the States with CANNIBAL CORPSE while the other has remained in relative obscurity, especially while still plugging away after THE CROWN has disbanded. “Terror Succeeds” is a damn good album too—it makes its initial rip into the flesh with “Soulexcursion” and continues to tear with tracks like “Terror God” and “Nuclear Storm Demise”. Hopefully someday these guys get some well-deserved success, but in the meantime at least they’re finally on a list.
47. THORN – “Bitter Potion”, 1995 – Wow, where to start? This short-lived band featured Roy Mayorga (who would later be a drum-for-hire winding up in SOULFLY for a while) and Stephen Flam, guitarist of the brilliant cult doomdeath band WINTER. This album sounds nothing like either band, but instead goes for a more percussive 90s metal approach a la PRONG with samples and concepts that give the album a sort of Eastern/Hindu vibe. Songs like “Thorn” and “Martyr” (the latter of which they performed in the movie “Tromeo & Juliet”, giving them their one claim to fame) still sound pretty good today. The one thing that really drags this album down, however, can be summed up like this: vocalist John Jesse couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and his caterwauls range from comical to just damn annoying. If one can ignore the vocals, though, there are still some fine, catchy songs to be found on here.
46. JAMES GANG - "Straight Shooter", 1972 - While it's fair to say one shouldn't judge an album by it's cover, this artwork is particularly telling. Regardless of the intended symbolism represented by the steer staring off into space, it's easy to conclude from a single spin that the Gang was ready to be put out to pasture. Gone are the fiery licks and hard rockin' grooves of the Joe Walsh-era classics like "Rides Again" and "Yer Album". Sad and sterile tracks like "Hairy Hypochondriac" and the prophetic "Getting Old" make an acoustic EAGLES reunion sound like KISS storming a New York arena in 1976. Yucky.
45. INNER THOUGHT – “Worldly Separation”, 1994 – These guys suffer from the same affliction that many bands within this feature suffer from: a wealth of great ideas but poor execution. Mastermind Bobby Sadzak, who has ties to Canadian thrashers SLAUGHTER (no, not that SLAUGHTER), had a great thing going with his style of intelligent death metal with keyboards. Unfortunately, instead of hiring a drummer, all the percussion is programmed, hence why “Worldly Separation” has aged horribly. This album still has great tracks like “In Ourselves We Trust” and “Disease Infected Earth”, but some of his ideas that are supposed to be “haunting” or “artistic” are instead comical—like the female vocals on “Drowning in Sorrow” which sound absolutely horrible or the inexplicable hip-hop percussion in the title track that sound like it’s from the Sega Genesis game “Toe Jam & Earl”. This is one that still brings a smile to one’s face but perhaps a cringe as well.
44. HAWKWIND – “Palace Springs”, 1991 – It’s difficult to imagine the impact that the film ‘Spinal Tap’ must have had on British bands like HAWKWIND and URIAH HEEP as they soldiered on with their cult following, album after album after album. At any rate, it didn’t stop them. “Palace Springs” is not as bad as you may think for an early nineties live album from the Hawklords. The drones and synths still swirl and soar quite swimmingly. But some of these keyboard-dominated tracks sound more like KILLING JOKE on tons of NyQuil than our beloved space bandits. “Treadmill” should have been named “Catwalk”, as it sounds like a bizarre mutation of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” aired during a fashion show. “Damnation Alley” is a straight-up riff jam that recalls THE DOORS “L.A. Woman”. Like the “Space Bandits” disc, the album features abundant violin accompaniment and the vocals of a young lady named Bridget Wishhart, who fits in quite nicely with Dave Brock and crew. It’s also mercifully short for a live HAWKWIND album, which is a good thing for those that prefer the absent acoustic interludes and swishy guitar wobbles of the Lemmy era. “Palace Springs” may feature a few odd elements, as well as slightly crunchier guitars, but in a lot of ways it’s just as charming as the old stuff. If you start to nod off during the disc just imagine the women at their shows during this time period that probably resembled Marty Feldman in high heels. Yech!
43. CLOCKHAMMER - "Clockhammer", 1991 - This Nashville trio put out this killer debut disc in 1991. After almost five years of honing it’s craft (saw ‘em live at least 7 or 8 times before this as early late ’88) the band get’s the chance to break nationally with it’s signing to BMG splinter label First Warning and some regional and semi national touring with FIREHOSE. Guitarist/vocalist Byron Bailey was such a badass that there was a noticeable change in FIREHOSE’s Ed “from ohio” Crawford’s subsequent live shows. It was hard not to notice in a short year that he was becoming a better guitarist technically, a more aggressive player and that he was using louder amps. I think Mike Watt told me that CLOCKHAMMER were one of his favorites at the time unless I have selected recollections. The hindsight thing I know. Anyways, this undated CD is proof that these guys were heavy hitters. Metallic riffs met with jazz and a ton of sophistication. Bailey’s ace songwriting skills and smooth (yet very emotive) vocals put this group way ahead most of their so-called peers. A lot of metal and punk bands at the time were attempting to stretch their boundaries with jazz, funk and what not. Most fell flat on their faces. Bassist Matt Swanson’s fluid finger style never jumped the post “Mother’s Milk” slapithon bandwagon and drummer Ken Croomer’s Bonham like 26 inch single kick drum thud was thunderous to say the least.
42. SANCTUARY - "Into the Mirror Black", 1990 - While many of the bands on this list are featured for their one-off stinkers or strange departures, this band's good album was the real fluke. While the Dave Mustaine-produced debut "Refuge Denied" proved to be a rip-roaring, all-guns-blazing metal classic powered by the inhuman shrieks and sinister falsetto of Warrel Dane, the follow-up was their first step in a long descent to utter shyte. The basic formula is still intact, as evidenced by occasional standouts like the crunchy shredfest "Seasons of Destruction" and the title track. But every song on the disc gives the impression that the band is holding back. The hooks that consumed the first album are all but missing, and the entire affair is plagued by lackluster songwriting. It's a pattern that Dane and Jim Sheppard would carry with them to their next mind-numbingly boring project: NEVERMORE.
41. THE VOLCANO SUNS - "Bumper Crop", 1987 - '87 was a great year for independent rock. You had DINOSAUR’s “Your Living All Over Me” and SONIC YOUTH’s “Sister” for starters! Back when the term “indie rock” actually meant something more than fashion and sub mediocre musicianship (and could NEVER EVER be applied to an act on a MAJOR FUCKING LABEL fer Chissakes) “Bumper Crop” had former MISSION OF BURMA drummer Peter Prescott’s new VS lineup in top form. The album somehow topped the debut “The Bright Orange Years” and “All Night Lotus Party” which was no sophomore slump in the slightest. Although “Bumper Crop” contained no filler, the album itself may not be worthy of inclusion in a top 20 greatest of all time by any stretch of the imagination. However the song “Testify” could be heralded as one of rock’s shining moments. This song epitomizes tenfold the VOLCANO SUNS superpowers to the nth degree with the band’s distinct “barber shop trio” harmonized intensely loud vocals, a musically loose yet technically tight arrangement and the overall feedback laden rock/noise pummeling that is rarely paralleled to this day.
40. KIX - "Cool Kids", 1983 - Fans of these legendary Maryland-based AC/DC-worshippers had every right to tremble at the words 'Steve Whiteman - Saxophone' that grace the back of this record. The absence of guitarist Ronnie Younkins coupled with a 'poppier direction' generated the biggest clunker in the KIX discography. Their trademark brawny riffs and glam-inspired pop smarts are replaced by "do-do-do-dos" and the aerobic workout anthem "Body Talk". Perhaps Beavis and Butt-head said it best back in the late 90s when they remarked, "I'd hate to see the uncool kids."
39. LIVING COLOUR - "Stain", 1993 - LIVING COLOUR’s swan song is an overlooked rock masterpiece. With “Stain,” the band was able to merge the great songwriting they had on their debut, “Vivid,” with the sonic irreverence and musicianship that they had developed on subsequent releases like “Time’s Up.” New bassist Doug Wimbish brought more focus and a new energy to the band, it seemed. “Leave it Alone” was a great single, and should have catapulted this release to platinum status. The time changes in “Mind Your Own Business” really keep things interesting without distracting from the overall song. Heavy, self indulgent and obnoxious, “This Little Pig” is the standout track, featuring perhaps the best use of samples ever to appear in rock music. The band broke up soon after, a casualty of record company expectations, it seemed. At least they were able to go out with their strongest record.
38. JEFFERSON STARSHIP - "Modern Times", 1981 - "Modern Times" is a perfect illustration of what was wrong with JEFFERSON STARSHIP. Musically it's a hodgepodge and unlike, let's say, QUEEN, THE BEATLES, FISHBONE or their own predecessor JEFFERSON AIRPLANE they weren't capable of turning an eclectic variety of styles into a coherent album. Basically "Modern Times" sounds like a split EP by three bands who all happen to be fronted by some walking air raid siren named Mickey Thomas who makes Steve Perry seem masculine by comparison. Things start off with with the BOSTON-esque AOR of "Find Your Way Back", written by lead guitarist Graig Chaquico. Apparently he's the hard rocker of the band since he also wrote "Mary" and "Free", two pretty generic heavy rock songs despite some nice riffs. The second song is "Stranger", a rather cheesy country-pop song starring former member Grace Slick and written by bassist/keyboard player Pete Sears. Apparently he's the drama queen of the band since he also wrote the equally bland "Save Your Love" and the very un-exciting would-be prog-rocker "Alien". And then there's original member Paul Kantner. Still a hippie at heart, seeing that his three contributions are all singalong tunes taylor-made to be sung around campfires. "Stairway To Cleveland (We Do What We Want)" is Kantner's fuck-you to the critics and according to one of those critics was 'as gutsy a statement of purpose as any in rock'. A rather laughable claim since said tune kinda sound like THE LES HUMPHRIES SINGERS, and we already had punk and all that. Hippies trying to be tough guys? It'll never work! So there you have it. An album that tries to be a little bit of everything but succeeds at none of it. Not as mind-numbingly awful as their later incarnation STARSHIP, but then what is?
37. LYNCH MOB - "Wicked Sensation" 1990 - After the first big DOKKEN break-up, George Lynch and “Wild” Mick Brown proved to everyone who exactly had the fire in that band. LYNCH MOB was darker, bluesier, and certainly dirtier than DOKKEN ever dreamed of being. While it's understandable that saying that something is darker and dirtier than DOKKEN is like saying that the sun tends to be warm, you get the idea. This album has great songs like “All I Want,” “She’s Evil But She’s Mine,” and “Street Fightin’ Man” (not a Stones cover) and some of the most obnoxious fretboard abuse ever put to record. Sadly, this lineup’s time together was relatively short lived, as singer Oni Logan was ousted after his pipes blew out on tour. so the magic that is “Wicked Sensation” was never recaptured.
36. WREKKING MACHINE – “Mechanistic Termination”, 1993 – It’s the same old story—some bands that never make it have a clearly visible reason as to why not. Such is the case with these guys. First off, these guys were a decade too late, because by 1993 the state of thrash was mighty bleak, and any new band entering the genre didn’t have a prayer. Second, the singer of this band sounds about as aggressive as a kindergarten teacher. He has a sort of semi-comical talking vocal style slightly reminiscent of John Connelly of NUCLEAR ASSAULT but without the charm. Still, this album’s got some redeeming value left in it, and not just because of its rarity—songs like the anti-bum anthem “Brother Man” and “Me, Myself and I” still deliver an adequate enough supply of ass-kicking. Just don’t expect to be amused for more than a few songs.
35.TRACTOR SEX FATALITY - "Peel & Eat", 2006 - While it's tough to deny Dead Beat Records' impeccable taste in artists, this TSF release proves that nobody's perfect. Both repetition and unadulterated noise have been used as effective tools by some of our favorite artists, but "Peel & Eat" is sonic stale white bread, turned up to eleven. While some noise-rock novices have garnished the disc with praise, anyone familiar with GUZZARD, THE JESUS LIZARD or STEEL POLE BATHTUB have heard it all before. If you even remotely enjoyed this snoozer, check out the bit on LAUGHING HYENAS "Life of Crime" below and go buy that instead.
34. STIFFS INC. - "Nix Nought Nothing", 1995 - Despite the rising popularity of mid-90s pop punk like GREEN DAY and THE OFFSPRING, "Nix Nought Nothing" made a nose-dive for the cutout bins upon its initial release. It's difficult to pinpoint the reason, unless one considers that people went for the source, reaching for worn copies of THE BUZZCOCKS "A Different Kind of Tension" and WIRE's "Pink Flag" instead of embracing the likes of these chaps. While the tight execution and high-energy melodicism of STIFFS INC is impressive, many of these three-minute charmers sound quite similar and practically all of them share the same drum beat. Even so, the cleverly titled, "Mary Pickfrod, Marry Me" and "Fear in the Night" are probably worth the two-dollar price of admission for fans of the genre that already have the complete KURSAAL FLYERS and TOM ROBINSON collections locked up.
33. PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH- "Powertoy" - This 3-piece juggernaut recorded what would be its swansong and best record over all in 1988. While the self titled ep and full length “One Way Conversation” were enough to showcase the sheer brute force, chops, and sonic suavity of PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH, this record put them over the top with some really choice songwriting as well. Their demolition of HEART’s “Barracuda” is about the best cover version of all time. “Extinction Plus”, “Criticize the Critters”, “Billy Holiday’s Nightmare”, “Paper House” and the rest of this record’s wanton display of rock brutality bulldozed it’s way into my heart at the near end of the 1980’s with the subtlety of an ax blow to the cranium. Feedback laden wah guitar, overdriven Rickenbacker bass, piledrivin’ drums, spazzy vocals and crazy time signatures were the order of the day. Guitarist/vocalist Dave Rick later went on to a lesser degree of greatness ax slingin’ with KING MISSLE.
32. DECORYAH – “Wisdom Floats”, 1995 – Had these guys come out in the present age of “thinking metal” like OPETH and GREEN CARNATION, they would have probably been widely successful… that is, at least, if their far superior follow-up “Fall-Dark Waters” was the one they pushed as opposed to this one. Granted, all the songs on it start to sound the same really quickly, and singer Jukka Vuorinen’s grasp on the English language is severely lacking at best. There are, though, a lot of interesting ideas going on here, with the layering of guitars, synth pads and female vocals merging to form a classy, poetic vibe that would later blossom into the band’s classic second album. Ultra-slow cuts like “Astral Mirage of Paradise”, “Reaching Melancholia” and the title track have stood the test of time rather well. One would still be well advised, however, to choose “Fall-Dark Waters” over this one if either of the two are still available… and no matter what, disregard the lyrics!
31. THE ORGANIZATION – S/T, 1993 – Until recently, this album could have been the answer to the question “Whatever happened to those crazy thrashers DEATH ANGEL?” After singer Mark Osegueda left the band in 1990, the rest of the band opted for a name change and a far more mainstream rock approach. Anyone expecting anything even remotely similar to “The Ultra-Violence” will be sorely disappointed with this album. For anyone else, guitarist Rob Cavestany (who hadn’t assumed lead vocal duty, ironically, since the song “Thrashers”) is a capable enough frontman, and musically there is a fair amount of QUEENSRŸCHE vibe, with proficient harmony and musicianship that test boundaries with songs like “Lift” (featuring something D.A. would have never featured: a saxophone solo) and the ultra-melodic “Bringer”. Still, this album did not take off at all, and in the full spectrum of these guys’ career sticks out like a sore thumb, further alienated by the return of DEATH ANGEL and their kick-ass comeback album “The Art of Dying”. If looked at independently of the whole D.A. legacy, though, it’s still a decent album that can stand on its own two feet.
30. BLUE MURDER - "Blue Murder", 1989 - After recording what was destined to be the mega-successful and multi-platinum self-titled WHITESNAKE album, frontman David Coverdale did the unthinkable. He fired his entire band and hired a bunch of other guys! Well, guitarist John Sykes did not take his dismissal lying down. He formed the supergroup BLUE MURDER and let loose 9 tracks of blistering, LED ZEP inspired 80’s hard rock. This disc is filled with great performances from front to back. Bassist Tony Franklin (from THE FIRM) works his fretless magic throughout, and legendary drummer (and personal favorite) Carmine Appice stomps a mudhole in every tune. While not as commercially successful as his former boss, I’m sure Sykes was still able to hold his head high, knowing the kick ass band he was able to assemble. F you, Coverdale!
29. POISON IDEA - "Kings Of Punk" 1986 - "Kings of Punk" is often put aside in favor of their post-everything epic, "Feel The Darkness" and it isn't that difficult to see why. It's not as hooky, but Chris Tense and Dean Johnson represented one of the meanest rhythm sections in the land on this disc. Pig C's robusto gonzo guitar histrionics cornhole Chuck Berry's back catalog with Randy Uchida's axe. Jerry A spits temper tantrum fire by way of young lord Darby Crash! Hot rails to hell! THIS IS "IT"! Hearing "Kings of Punk" in 1986 was not unlike hearing "My Generation" in '65-66. All the morose hatred at the world that deranged youths felt spat from those grooves like vomit after an all-night tequila binge. Forced! Heated! Disgusting! Not many albums spit this much venom in such an articulate way. Jerry always had a way with lyrics that put POISON IDEA far beyond their so-called peers. Shortly after this album the band went through several phases before coming up with what most consider their apex. But (at least to some) this is their masterpiece. "Feel The Darkness" is a fine album. It is far more "together" than "War All The Time" or their post "Darkness" material. But in a lot of ways it's just not as angry or riled up as this "Kings of Punk". The opening chords of "Lifestyles" just make you want to crack a beer (over someone's head) and start a fight. 17 years later and it still holds a spell over HC fans worldwide. Now, that's the mark of a great album.
28. MOTHER TONGUE - "Mother Tongue", 1994 - Artists like LANCE LOPEZ, MOTHER SUPERIOR, and CRAIG ERICKSON have scored acres of kudos from our staff for following a strict formula. Step one, write a fantastic collection of infectious, soul-drenched blues rock. Step two, channel your considerable talents into a charismatic recording session rooted in jaw-dropping off-the-cuff jams and a touch of psychedelia. Third, release the recording. Evidently, MOTHER TONGUE forgot the first two steps. Anyone familiar with budget bins has most likely seen and passed over this chef-d'oeuvre featuring ALANIS MORISETTE / RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS axeman Jesse Tobias many times. But for those that dared shell out the $1.99, fighting to sit through snoozy jams like "The Seed" and "Using Your Guns", we can only offer the following explanation: some discs don't sell for a reason.
27. XTC - "Mummer", 1984 - "Mummer" was a bummer for a lot of people because it signaled the end of XTC’s touring and live performances in 1983. Longtime drummer Terry Chambers was one of them as he quit. Although the album was not quite up to the same level as watermark recordings such as “Drums and Wires” (1979) and “Black Sea” (1980), it was still a great piece of work. It was every bit as good as 1982’s previous highly rated “English Settlement” and the also underrated follow up “The Big Express” in ‘84. Way better than the vastly overrated Todd Rundgren produced “Skylarking” from 1986 which, along with “Apples and Oranges” (1989) signaled the bands overall demise after like seven solid albums in this writer’s hardly humble opinion. Wonderfully creepy Andy Partridge penned tunes like “Human Alchemy” and “Elements” still give me goose bumps after all these years. The yin to that yang would be the ever-mellow beauty of “Love on a Farm Boy’s Wages” and bassist Colin Moulding’s “Wonderland”.
26. ANTHRAX - "Vol. 8: The Threat is Real", 1998 - It was the goofy shorts, comic book-inspired songs, and full throttle thrash that were responsible for legions of ANTHRAX fan in the 80’s. But it was the angry and gritty voice of John Bush that kept many fans buying ANTHRAX albums in the 1990s. It almost seemed like the band "grew up" with their fans. While many are polarized in their opinions on the once and future ARMORED SAINT frontman’s tenure in the band, it's obvious that Bush's voice perfectly suited the music they were making at this time. A lot of folks cite this album as being particularly weak, but “Crush,” “Alpha Male,” and “Stealing From a Thief” are all great foot-stompers that bring different musical elements to the table that the band hadn’t evidenced previously. And “Born Again Idiot” is unabashedly old-school ANTHRAX that measures up to anything in the back-catalog. Now that the Joey Belladonna devotes have their man back, hopefully some of them can go back and start appreciating what the 90’s era ANTHRAX records had to offer.
25. KISS – “Animalize”, 1984 – While it may be difficult to imagine now, there was a time when it was extremely uncool to be a KISS fan. Mainstream metal in the early 80s was all about OZZY, PRIEST, MAIDEN, and the like. KISS spent most of 80-83 licking wounds from over-merchandising and the pitiful disco / pop rock albums resulting from their association with feel-good songwriter/producer Vini Poncia. Writing the KISS logo on your notebooks during this time period would result in severe verbal abuse and the possibility of being stuffed in a locker. But somehow, “Animalize” changed all that. The makeup was off now, and KISS was in the uncomfortable position of being gimmick-free. But somehow, despite Simmons’ focus on a very lame ‘movie career’ and half-assed lack of interest in the band, they managed to bang out a platter of simple, hard-rockin’ tunes. “Under the Gun” and “I’ve Had Enough (Into the Fire)” were some of the best tunes to emerge from the KISS camp in years. Guitarist Mark St. John seemed to light a fire under the old farts’ asses with his technical playing ability, even though he was only in the band for the duration of one episode of “Family Ties”. The radio hit “Heaven’s On Fire” recalled the simple riff-rock of the early years and can be attributed to pulling them out of the flusher. While “Animalize” was the best thing for KISS at the time, charting very well and going double platinum, it sadly gave them an opportunity to beat all the good ideas to death in classic KISS fashion. The next few albums would be riddled with more ridiculous glammy 80s costumes, bad sex puns, and Desmond Child-penned anthems than anyone could stomach. Gene often looked more like a cross-dressing convenience store owner than a rock legend. A litany of musical crimes followed that are frankly still going on today.
24. BLACK FLAG - "Family Man", 1984 - For those younglings unable to comprehend any sort of dislike for Rollins-era Flag, take a listen to this puppy. Of course, it's tough to fault SST founder Greg Ginn, mostly due to the incredible assortment of records his label left for posterity to enjoy. But nevertheless, stuff like "I want to crucify you to your front door, with nails from your well stocked garage" would sound a lot better with some thundering drums and twisted guitar hacking going on in the background. As impressive as the band's output was following their early 80s legal battles, the blathering tripe of "Family Man" (at least the spoken portion) remains one of BLACK FLAG's biggest missteps.
23. DAVID BOWIE - "Earthling", 1997 - This album is proof positive that in the hands of talented musicians backing one rock’s most enduring songsmiths, that techno may not suck after all. While artists like APHEX TWIN, SQUAREPUSHER, and THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS created worthwhile works, most of the progenitors were/are talentless hacks that clutter the musical landscape with pointless repetition, non musicianship, nil songwriting skills and an overall lack of creativity. I remember when this release came out the harsh criticisms, though not as abundant as with TIN MACHINE, were aplenty. These came from techno and non-techno fans alike. The worst was the whole “he’s jumping on the bandwagon” bullshit. What most of the naysayers, who probably failed to bother to actually listen to "Earthling" before shooting their mouths off, did not get was that the guy made a record that transcends just about all techno by leaps and bounds. It validated a fairly vapid genre by practically mopping the floor with it. When a Class A visionary talent like Bowie employs badasses like Reeves Gabrels and Gail Ann Dorsey as a part of his musical arsenal, then his possibilities are quite endless now aren’t they? Now put that in your ecstasy and eat it, fuckface!
22. KILLDOZER - "For Ladies Only", 1989 - No one in his or her right mind can deny the greatness of a KILLDOZER composition. Chestnuts like “Hamburger Martre”, “King of Sex”, “Knuckles the Dog” and “The Pig Was Cool” are high on the hog of life’s great gifts. Every other album contains the obligatory cover song. “For Ladies Only” is all covers and what friggin’ fun they are. When all the punk/hardcore acts did fast covers, these guys played ‘em slower. DEEP PURPLE’S “Hush” and THE JAMES GANG’S “Funk 49” get that treatment here. Saw them live in their mid 90’s “comeback” era and they managed to do “When the Levee Breaks” and played it even slower. To hear the gravel voiced bassist/vocalist Michael Gerald fuck it up with the Dobson brothers (Bill and Dan on guitar and drums respectively) on tunes like “Good Lovin’ Gone Bad”, “One Tin Soldier”, and “Take the Money and Run” is quite a treat. The standout here is “American Pie”. All 9 verses! I have never understood why MADONNA felt compelled to cover this not-so-little dittie later on when she knew this version would be (and still is) light years ahead of her inferior attempt. The fun does not stop with the songs here. Dan’s Kiss Quiz takes up both sides of the inner sleeve. For ladies only!
21. VONDUR – “Stridsyfirlysing”, 1995 – Eleven years after the fact, and people are still scratching their heads about this one. Nobody’s really sure what the intentions of It and All (both of the very classy OPTHALAMIA) were here–perhaps they were trying to poke fun at the seriousness of the black metal genre or just trying to make the weirdest album possible. Still, with the Star Wars-themed cover art and hilarity on the inside such as their parody of Roadrunner’s old anti-drug campaign that they call “Never Stop the Madness”, it’s fairly safe to put these guys in the “joke band” category. Musically, it’s pretty much barely listenable black metal noise with programmed drums, plus the occasional cheesy synth interlude with cheesier Icelandic narration (“Kynning – Fjordi Riku”) and even a few shockingly coherent and catchy songs (“Uppruni Vondsku” and “I Eldur Og Prumur”). Regardless of how this album should be properly categorized, it’s a great novelty to keep around, dust off and spin every now and then.
20. THE ANGRY SAMOANS' "STP Not LSD" 1988 - This disc is long considered their worst (aside from "Metal" Mike's faux SAMOANS output) but it's oh-so-special in so many ways. Is it because "STP Not LSD" is the perfect aural accompaniment to wild teenage trips of LSD, Ecstasy, Mini Thins, and beer before crashing into bed? Maybe it's the few great songs amid all the dogshit? At any rate, it is a total waste of vinyl. It should have been an EP. But tracks like "I Lost My Mind" and their cover of ALICE COOPER's "Laughing At Me" as well as the stellar "I'll Drink To This Love Song" make this a record one of those impossible discs that you just can't seem to throw away or sell. If you've never heard the SAMOANS, you can buy almost everything (aside from their demos and out takes album "Return To Samoa" & the "Queer Pills" EP) worth owning on "The Unboxed Set" and when you get to "STP Not LSD" play it loud! Because for every "Garbage Pit" and "Egyptomania" there's a previously mentioned stone killer in there. All in all it's no Christgau A+, but that guy is / was a total douche so who you gonna trust? I think you know the answer.
19. GEORGE KOREIN - "Memoirs of a Trilobite", 2005 - This curious disc hit our review pile a couple of years back, and became subject to abundant speculation. Is a band as obscure as INFIDEL?/CASTRO! enough of a household name that members can begin splitting off to do solo projects? Granted, this isn't exactly a MIKE & THE MECHANICS sort of affair. Basically, it sounds like George had a bunch of friends over to his college dorm room / portable studio to record a disc's worth of drum machine epics. (Not) interestingly enough, the harmonics and sub-harmonics of actual trilobite field recordings are mixed in with the programmed percussion on many tracks included here. There's some guitar solos, bleeps and blips, and song titles like “Suburban Dinosaur Safari" to keep your interest for a minute or two before throwing the disc out with the junk coupons. Why, Lord?
18. BRUCE DICKINSON - "Tattooed Millionaire", 1990 - Those disappointed with sub par MAIDEN efforts like "No Prayer For the Dying" or "Fear of the Dark" weren't out of the woods yet. Dickinson's inevitable split from the band was finally cemented with the release of his first in a series of solo albums. While later efforts like the remarkable "Chemical Wedding" and "Accident of Birth" albums would out-Maiden even Maiden, this first solo finds Bruce attempting to reconnect with SAMSON bar rock like "Too Close To Rock". The cover of MOTT THE HOOPLE's immortal pomp anthem "All the Young Dudes" is solid enough, but keep the earplugs handy. Much like Ian Gillian and Rob Halford, Dickinson's vocal style had become synonymous with crackling metal riffs and powerful choruses. It's simply too heavy for the sleazy, cowbell-laced bar fodder demonstrated here in cringe-worthy tracks like "Lickin' the Gun" and "Zulu Lulu". Luckily, it only took a couple of albums to get this stuff out of his system.
17. MONSTER MAGNET - "God Says No", 2001 - A lot of assholes poo pooed this album because there was like two out of thirteen cuts that had the dreaded “techno” drum machine thing going on. They act as though the entire album was as cluttered with this crap as much as WHITE ZOMBIE ’s final turd and subsequent ROB ZOMBIE recordings. Truth be told “God Says No” is every bit as solid, diverse and well written as any MAGNET release. “Melt”, “Heads Explode” and “Doomsday”, and “Medicine” fuck things up right from the god damned get go. That’s four pummelers in a row and we are just getting started for fuck’s sake! From there we get diversity that the Magnet is known for. From the farfisa driven garage rock of “Kiss of the Scorpion” to the scuzzy distorted porch blues of “Gravity Well” is there a reason to complain? The album did so poorly that A&M dropped the band. Although they did reasonably ok with “Monolithic Baby” on SPV, at this juncture they should be headlining arenas already instead of vile wanna-be garbage such as STAIND and NICKELBACK. Proof positive there is no god. No god up there to say no.
16. LAUGHING HYENAS - "Life of Crime / You Can’t Pray a Lie", 1989 / 1990 - Trying to explain the LAUGHING HYENAS “sound” to the uninitiated might be like trying to explain quantum physics to a slug. Well, maybe not. Tortured vocals, noisy blues based guitar and a super tight/super aggressive rhythm section could sum the parts of this group. But no matter how much I read about LAUGHING HYENAS beforehand, I was not prepared for such an onslaught. This was perhaps the hardest band to ever record. We are talking “hard” not “heavy” here kiddos. They should have been a household name for their troubles. Urban myth has it that they were a hard luck story when it came to touring. Being ripped off and getting into fights was apparently a common thing. I can only imagine them getting the plug pulled on them at a couple of clubs here and there as well. As unbelievably distinct and boisterous as they were, I don’t think I have ever seen their records make any of these lists of greatest albums. This two album in one package deal is the best representation of a band that was really on fire. 1990’s “Life of Crime” showcases their strengths in top form. Well produced, solid and unrelenting. After that we get 1988’s “You Can’t Pray a Lie” and all hell really breaks loose. Although Butch Vig’s production is a lot weaker than his engineering skills on the latter record, this still kills. It has to be heard to be believed. Some angry stuff for sure.
15. VARIOUS ARTISTS – “The Heralds of Oblivion: Volume One”, 1993 – An infamous little piece of death metal history. It’s odd that this one seems to be so rare considering that it used to be widely available through BMG Music Club. Regardless, Roughage (later to be known as Dwell) Records compiled this CD using three songs each from five bands that nobody’s heard from since. DEMOLITION, the first band, was probably the best overall and wrote 8+ minute long epics that stay brutal and don’t get boring. Then there’s CATALEPSY, whose singer was so unintelligible he made the guy from BROKEN HOPE sound like a Vegas crooner. BRAINSTORM, not to be confused with the German power metal band of the same name, had lyrics that could possibly have been written by a toddler: “I gave her the slap she deserved / and the bitch called the cops who protect and serve!” Rounding it off is DECOMPOSED (a death metal band with Spanish lyrics that doesn’t feature Dino Cazares) and MUTILAGE, an intelligent and slightly Swedish sounding closer. A great find if it can be found.
14. HOUSE OF FREAKS – “Cakewalk” 1991 – Truly a feast for the ears. The genius of “Cakewalk” was obvious to everyone except music critics. Plus, the general public didn’t really buy into them either. Schmuckolas! “Rocking Chair” is an unforgettable college radio anthem, sporting all the fine points of NEIL YOUNG guitar clunge and T-REX glitter-strum. The album flows through a hodgepodge of strange acoustic numbers, kitschy back-porch hootenannies, and full-on electric jams. “Honor Among Lovers” and “I Got Happy” were far superior than most of the schlock that made it’s way onto college radio stations before grungemania hit. If MARSHALL CRENSHAW had ever created an album with some real grit that didn't sound like an ad for Schmidt's Blue Ribbon bread, it may have sounded like this. Sadly, “Cakewalk” shot straight to the cutout bins. If you ever get a hankering for bizarre, catchy folk-inspired guitar rock with a soft spot for American folklore, this is the album for you. The band’s previous efforts were also excellent (“Monkey on a Chain Gang” particularly), but this is the one that should have made them a household name. The upside is, you can now get the entire discography with fifteen bucks. Sweet!
13. THOR - "Thor Against the World", 2005 - Some speculation is required for this one. THOR goes to the McDonalds drive thru on his trusty steed, only to hear, "Sorry sir, we stop serving breakfast at 10am." THOR os outraged. "In Valhalla, breakfast is served all the time!! TRULY IT IS THOR AGAINST THE WORLD! Dismayed, he makes a stop at the dry cleaner. The little Chinese man scurries to the counter and whispers, "So sorry, Mr. Thor sir, we were unable to remove gravy stain from cape." THOR is furious. "This is another sign of Loki's mischief! Truly it is THOR AGAINST THE WORLD!" The Chinese man interrupts, "Perhaps Mr. Thor to be more careful with gravy boat in future!". Thor smashes him into dust with his mighty hammer and rides off to fight the world single-handedly.
12. DUST- "Hard Attack", 1972 - This disc is often blown off in favor of their S/T debut. Even by this very site! A gross injustice on many fronts. I personally feel it to be the superior of the two offerings by this band. Sure, there are some cornball moments on it but the same is true with the first album. The only difference is the amount of solid material. "From A Dry Camel" aside, in many ways the first album is just a lead up to this one. Tracks like "Suicide", "Learning To Die", "Pull Away/So Many Times" are prime examples of what made late 60s/early 70s heavy metal so primo. You can stack those tunes up against anything on the first two BLUE CHEER albums with ease and experience the same fuzzy, muddy joy (minus the sometimes ponderously long and epic feel). Members of DUST went on to do other things with mixed results, but you can't hold the bad against them. After all, for every "Eddie And The Cruisers" production job you have a RAMONES. Regardless what you pinheads think, this is THE DUST album to own. As essential as SIR LORD BALTIMORE's "Kingdom Come" album to any self respecting 70's scuzz collector. If you want to dig deep into the terra firma of your twisted roots and are too terrified to be caught listening to anything off-beat, this is a good place to start. Soon the sound will ruin you for whatever nancy boy music you currently enjoy, and you will find yourself traversing the wild tundra, thumping your chest and grunting a la caveman on the hunt for more. Once properly soaked in the blood of your ancestors you will gladly join the thrift store warriors on the hunt for clunking, overdriven, testosterone rock. Or maybe you'll sit there like a weiner and order it off of Amazon. Probably more of the latter I guess.
12. BALANCE -" Balance", 1981 - Singer Peppy Castro was in garage rockers THE BLUES MAGOOS. Guitarist Bob Kulick played leads on some KISS albums when Ace Frehley was too drunk. That doesn't give you much of an indication of what this record is going to sound like. But keyboard player Doug Katsaros makes his living nowadays by scoring kiddie cartoons, and that says a lot. Of course AOR and pomp rock was never about 'heaviness' but what BALANCE does here is quite something else. Anyone remember that Saturday Night Live skit with Christopher Walken as producer Bruce Dickinson demanding "more cowbell!"? Listening to this record makes me wonder if they got help from some producer demanding "more cheese!!" Some examples: "Im Through Loving You" starts out as your average Frank Stallone-rocker, and is then enriched with such an overabundance of twinkly keyboard sounds you'd swear Peter Pan's sidekick Tinkerbell was flying rounds in the studio! When the rockin' riff to "American Dream" sets in and you're ready to do some serious air guitaring, out of nowhere comes a string orchestra and suddenly the whole thing sounds like The Kids from Fame! On several tracks and most notably on "(Looking For The) Magic" all the sugary sweetness is suddenly interrupted by load bursts of guitar. It conjures up hilarious images of Castro and Katsaros in Polyphonic Spree-robes spreading love and happiness and behind that Bob Kulick, jumping up and down, playing his hot licks and shouting: "Hey, I'm here!!" Were they trying to sound like VAN HALEN or like EARTH WIND & FIRE? This album kinda sounds like both. Think that's a combination that doesn't work? You're right!
11. MOUNTAIN - "Go For Your Life", 1985 - Less than two years after Felix Pappalardi was shot to death by his wife Gail, this record hit the shelves on the tiny Scotti Bros label. The song titles here may be the first cause of apprehension for Joe Recordbuyer; the band's trademark exotic titles like "Nantucket Sleightride", "Theme From An Imaginary Western" and "Flowers of Evil" are replaced here with the likes of "Shimmy on the Footlights" and "Makin' It In your Car". But the real bells go off when the needle comes down on the vinyl. While legendary axeman Leslie West wastes no time in forcefully conjuring wicked blues licks for tracks like "Hard Times" and "She Loves Her Rock", the bubbling synthesizers and Corky Laing's mechanical drum sound (obviously inspired by ZZ TOP's gazillion seller "Eliminator") are cheezy enough to depress a hyena. It would take quite a few years for West and Laing to get it together again for the superior mid-90s "Man's World" sessions.
10. DANGEROUS TOYS - "Dangerous Toys", 1989 - A strange thing happened as GNR's "Appetite for Destruction" positioned itself for world domination in the late 1980s. Bands with leather vests, top hats, and low-strung Les Pauls started coming out of the woodwork. We were startled to learn that this particular band was the side project of one Jason McMaster, the mathematician behind prog-metal masterminds WATCHTOWER. While trashy tunes on this debut like "Outlaw" kick quite a bit of tail from an AC/DC sort of standpoint, the video and ridiculous chorus of "Scared" was crammed down the throats of the rock populous by MTV at unprecedented levels. Even today, the album cover brings about one question from music fans: do you think that you think, that you think that you think, that you like being scared? Overmarketed to the nth degree, and you've still probably never heard of them. Tragic.
9. TIN MACHINE - "Tin Machine", 1989 - Most mainstream rock critics hated this when it was released and it still gets current swipes now and then. This super group (which features David Bowie, guitar god Reeves Gabrels, bassist Tony Sales on bass and his brother Hunt on drums) with plenty of scrotal gusto to spare was thrusted out into the mainstream like a breath of fresh air when garbage like INFORMATION SOCIETY ruled the airwaves in 1989. More recently the morons at Blender (quite possibly the worst music mag ever) put them in their "50 worst bands" (this explains why this title isn't placing higher here, after all, even BLENDER's worst band list is still a list). Anyway, their main jabbing insult was that TIN MACHINE sounded like "a cross between SONIC YOUTH and FOGHAT"! Like that’s supposed to be an insult!!?? Sounds like a winning combination to me!! A long time ago I remember reading about a band that was a cross between Elvis Costello and Black Sabbath. What could be cooler? I guess I favor well executed hard rockin’ ideas rather than poorly preconceived notions. About the only thing wrong with “Tin Machine” was the overly exaggerated snare drum sound. Did this ruin “Appetite For Destruction”? I think not. FUCK A BUNCH OF BLENDER MAGAZINE!!!
8. WESLEY WILLIS – “Greatest Hits, Vol. 2”, 1999 – Yeah, okay… the naysayers are already chiming in with complaints like, “How can a talentless and vulgar mentally challenged schizophrenic have two Greatest Hits albums, much less one?” Well, he does. For those already familiar with this cult hero, this one has well-downloaded favorites like “Cut the Mullet”, “Suck a Cheetah’s Dick” and covers performed with his rock band THE WESLEY WILLIS FIASCO such as “Girls on Film”. For anyone else, he was definitely an acquired taste and before his untimely death from leukemia in 2003 he wrote thousands of songs using a pre-programmed keyboard which either paid tribute to bands or friends or were simply rants, but that all sounded pretty much the same. Regardless of what anyone on this site can say about who many have written off as an internet novelty, nobody can put it better than JELLO BIAFRA himself from this album’s liner notes the significance of good ol’ Wesley: “If we can help him earn his own living and survive, why not? Why not let him enjoy the feeling of being like a rock star instead of another person with problems on the street, thrown away by dog-eat-dog America?” Simply put, what may or may not be coherent music gave Wesley and plenty others joy, and isn’t that the point of music anyway? In closing, “Rock over London, rock on Chicago, Budweiser: it’s the King of Beers!”
7. THE DOORS - "Other Voices" 1971 - Those that hastened to damn the likes of JOURNEY, QUEEN, or even VAN HALEN for replacing classic frontmen may do well to hear this post-Jim Morrison DOORS album. Reviewers praising the unsung talents of remaining members Bobby Krieger, John Densmore, and Ray Manzarek found themselves suddenly silenced as this silly collection of embarrassing boogie-woogie hell hit the racks. Fans of dark, heavy psychedelia like "Not to Touch the Earth" or brawly grit like “Five to One” will hardly believe this is the same band (which obviously, it isn’t). It's apparent that the remaining members either vastly overrated their own talents or just got really silly, as goofy tracks like "Down on the Farm" and "I'm Horny, I'm Stoned" effectively make a mockery of the band's reputation (Rolling Stone's official album guide doesn't even acknowledge the album's existence, for example). Manzerek's voice adds the most generic bar-band flavor to the entire affair. Sadly the train wreck of "Other Voices" wouldn't be enough to stop the band, as they went on to release "Full Circle" in 1972, which was even worse.
6. THE VILLAGE PEOPLE -"Renaissance", 1981 - This album by THE VILLAGE PEOPLE is fascinating in all its wrongness. THE VILLAGE PEOPLE? The cowboy, the indian, the construction worker et cetera specializing in novelty disco hits? Yep! In 1981 disco was declared dead so someone apparently decided it was a good idea to re-invent The VILLAGE PEOPLE as a kind of novelty New Wave act. What they were thinking is anyone's guess but of course this could never work. The first couple of tracks try to combine disco with the synth-pop sensibilities of those days and are of course mind-numbingly bad. And on the rest of the album they try to sound like DEVO, even going so far as to rip off "Whip It" on "Action Man". And album closer "Food Fight" is their attempt at punk! Yes, THE VILLAGE PEOPLE recorded a punk song! It's just as awful as the rest of the album but since it's from the same troupe we know from gay disco classics like "In The Navy" and "YMCA" it has a special kind of awfulness.
5. LIVING DEATH - "Vengeance Of Hell", 1984 - "My heart is burning hot/but you love me not!" singer Thorsten Bergmann wails on album opener "You and Me". It's the first of many cringe-inducing lines. Made all the worse by Bergmann's singing style, who probably tries to sound menacing but sounds like a flaming leather queen with a German accent. He even looks like one but apparently he's not judging by these lines from "Riding a Virgin": "She was only fifteen/when I killed her screen/but it wasn't bad/because she drove me mad". Argh!! Yikes!! And what about the music you ask? Basically just your average speed metal riffs. Some of them not bad at all but unfortunately the album is 'produced' by notorious hack Axel Thubeauville, who fucked up many a record back in those days. There is some talent here but thanks to that horrible non-production and those ridiculous vocals this album simply just doesn't stand a chance.
4. MRS. MILLER- "Mrs. Miller's Greatest Hits", 1966 - Someone at the Capitol label apparently thought it was a good idea to sign Mrs. Elva Miller as a recording artist. Seeing that the liner notes on this, her debut album, describe her voice as 'interesting' and then compares it to Florence Foster Jenkins says enough. While Mrs. Miller probably was sincere about her singing this could never have been intended as anything other than a joke record. Her renditions of songs like "Downtown", "A Hard Days Night" and "Let's Hang On" are some of the most painful and hilarious pieces of music ever recorded. Her vocal style is a very weird kind of operatic yodeling, often out of tune and out of sync with the music. And when she's not singing she's whistling! Oh my God! Yes, it's a shameful thing that some poor, ignorant housewife is probably being exploited here but really, what a fun record! Cringe-inducing and painful, true, but fun! And by the time her three subsequent releases came out it became clear she finally was into the joke, so those are not half as hilarious as this one.
3. THE OSMONDS - "Crazy Horses" (1972) - Not so much a 'bad' record as it is misguided. Apparently not happy with their clean-cut image they injected a dose of hard rock into their teenybopper music. Everybody probably knows the title track. Unfortunately that's the only genuinely good song here. Things start of promisingly with "Hold Her Tight", with its riff nicked of ZEP's 'Immigrant Song". But then the chorus sets in, accompanied by a really cheesy horn section, and we're back in Jackson 5-territory. And that nicely illustrates what's wrong with this record. Every time they try to rock out they also thrown in cheesy horns, handclaps and other bubblegum bits that just don't mix with the heavy riffing. And when they're not rockin' out it's the same old cheesy MOR-pop balladry they were already known for. "Crazy Horses" is a fascinating clash between two worlds that hardly ever meet. And listening to it it's not hard to see why.
2. CARRION - "Evil Is There", 1986 - In 1986, thrash metal (and its many subgenres) was still relatively new. A lot of the stuff released back then has dated quite badly. Even the first SEPULTURA album is unplayable by today's standards. And then there's the stuff that's so silly that it's actually still quite playable today. Like this one and only album by Swiss thrashers CARRION. You have to skip the clumsy opener "Shark Attack" first, and then you're in thrash camp heaven. Some of the highlights: although the track list says the second track is called "Antichrist" what's actually sung is clearly "Auntie Christ". They start off "Avenger" (or "Owaaaaaynguh" as they pronounce it) as a METALLICA-like ballad with some very out-of-tune leads. And although the title track is probably supposed to be melodic speed metal it ends up sounding like electrically distorted gypsy polka with an unbelievably cheesy chorus. In fact that's what the drummer does every time the tempo goes up: polka beats! The riffs and the leads are OK when they keep it simple (and painful when they don't) and the would-be grunting vocals are mostly a hoarse croak. And let's not forget album closer "Torero", as far as I know the only thrash metal song about a bull fighter, ending with a hearty "Olé!" (yes, you read that correctly!). Somebody release this album on CD right now!
1. LANGLEY SCHOOLS MUSIC PROJECT – “Innocence and Despair”, 1976-77 - In the mid 1970s, Hans Fenger (a musician and elementary school music director in Western Canada) decided that "Amazing Grace" and "When the Saints come Marching In" were just too passe for the Langley Schools bunch. He defied all the rules of band camp by releasing a collection of contemporary rock songs featuring his students banging and shouting away in a truly frightening 2-track auditorium recording. "Innocence and Despair" is actually a very nicely packaged reissue of the original two single-lp projects, 1976's "Lochiel, Glenwood, and South Carvolth Schools" and 1977's "Hans Fenger/Wix-Brown Elementary School". The result is exactly what you would expect. Imagine going to see your 8-year-old nephew's school chorus concert and being forced to listen to horrific arrangements of THE BEACH BOYS "Help Me Rhonda" or THE BAY CITY ROLLERS, "Saturday Night". For those who can't pass a highway accident without sneaking a peak, their version of BOWIE's "Space Oddity" demands incredulous repeat listens. The bass drummer consistently startles the listener with eruptions of unmeditated off-time banging. Plus, I hear he was already doing long division. Oddly enough, these discs have gotten kudos from some contemporary artists and music journals for originality and execution, but let's get real. Forget about "Metal Machine Music"; if you can endure this entire collection in one sitting, you must be either paralyzed or tied to a chair from a burglary.
Well, there you have it: fifty albums that you won't see featured at your local news stand anytime soon. One of the true joys of music collecting can be rummaging through junk to find flawed gems for dusting down or to offend your neighbor that wears the Jimmy Buffett shirts all the time. Stay tuned for future updates and more Runt Hunters features on more weird stuff. Special thanks to the entire staff at Peacedogman.com for coming through time after time. See you at the yard sales.
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