The dreaded split CD. My old nemesis! Folks, I fuckin HATE split CDs! It's an annoying format! If you must do a split, make it a split lp or a tape or something. Luckily for us the best band is first! CREAM ABDUL BABAR, despite having the worst name I've ever heard.... ever, are fucking great! Reminds me of a less drony version of the UNSANE or maybe a little bit of 16. There's some parts that remind me of NEUROSIS ("Souls At Zero" era) or other epic bands...but CAB are more compact and less indulgent. It's dark as hell and sounds like they're on the verge of a nervous breakdown! You can just feel the intensity. I would love to see this band live! I can just imagine the insanity they lay down.

The only real problem is the band name. Perhaps if they took the name of the second song they deliver, "Cocaine Pinata", it would be more accurate. This is the sound of total mental breakdown. If you've been crushed by life and beaten bloody and are slumped in a corner with a gun in your mouth this will suit just fine as background music. The noise stuff at the beginning of the previously mentioned "Cocaine Pinata" is pretty annoying though. Sounds like someone playing Pong too fast. Regardless, if my 16 reference went over the heads of some of you fuckers, imagine if you can HELMET, UNSANE, early NEUROSIS, and maybe a little DEADGUY / TODAY IS THE DAY thrown into a compactor and coming out pissed! This is that sound.

Let me begin my skilled analysis of KYLESA by explaining my hatred of hippie punks. I hate 'em! They smell like shit, most of them are rich and they do stupid shit like wear animal rights patches as they bring their poor dogs to shows (with nothing for a leash but a fucking shoe string). I can't count how many of these fucking bastards I've seen with the dog on a string at the front of the stage. The poor dog is grimacing in pain from the deafening levels it's being subjected to, and it's ribs are sticking out while it's dumbass owner is sipping a full 40, obviously well fed, and ignoring the dancers stomping on and smashing into this poor defenseless creature. I'm all for peace punk. Fuck! I have a C.R.A.S.S. tattoo and love DISCHARGE. But I hate hippie punks and their "return to the earth" bullshit! So, I gave KYLESA the benefit of the doubt. I thought Damad was OK and some of them were in that band. But this is just ho-hum dual vocal crusty boredom. It starts with bad noise and piano and it ends in what sounds like a bunch of stink bags having a drum circle while some guy rattles off a poem to druid-styled Stonehenge bullshit. A really long poem, too. The only thing I hate more than stinky hippie punks is poetry! And the only Stonehenge anything I care about is the song "Stonehenge" by SPINAL TAP. It has some moments and you can hear a lil' SABBATH in there, but when you end with hippie drums and poetry you lost me man! I'd rather listen to ANTI SCHISM do the same thing, but better. Sure, ANTI SCHISM had lots of annoying samples and their politics were just to sell records, but musically they were kick ass and no lame drum circle bullshit!

I bet all the goth-turned-crusty-hippie-punk kids will like this shit. Me, I don't see what the hell they hope to accomplish unless they plan to stink out the system. And don't gimme that pheramone bullshit! Water is free and soap is cheap as it gets. Fuck! They give out deodorant at homeless drop in centers in Detroit. If they quit trying to sound like a buncha NEUROSIS rejects and took showers they might be good but for now KYLESA is my enemy. They're playing here soon. Maybe I'll go and toss some soapy water on 'em. Beats any "direct action" that I'm sure they can think of and makes more sense than pieing Bill Gates. Marie Antoinette nothing! Let 'em eat soap I say!

- Two Tub Tony

OFFICIAL SITES: myspace.com/creamabdulbabar, www.kylesa.com

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