The folks at Slow January Records and there wonderful “friends” have painstakingly put out a compilation of “arguably some the hardest working bands in the indie scene today” for “people who are sick of hearing the same nothing over and over”. I don’t mean to be one to refute their claims but…Let’s just check things out track by track. Alright cool kids, shall we proceed:

NEW ROMAN TIMES start this thing off with the moody “Perfect Digital”. The vocals work well. The guitars are delayed and atmospheric. The rhythm section is tight and slamming. The song’s dynamic flow is quite the pleasing listen and subsequently some really alarmingly dreadful female vocal cheese comes in during the last minute of the tune. This wanton display of hideousness, along with some sappy superfluous violin playing, extraordinarily obliterates what could have been a decent song. Completely ruined by a bad bridge. What a friggin’ shame. Word of advice, guys. Keep your girlfriends out of the studio (or out of the band as the case may be).

SUMMERBIRDS IN THE CELLAR have quite the YO LA TENGO/MY BLOODY VALENTINE fixation and have adding to it absolutely nothing other than some really shitty techno type drumbeats. Maybe if this hardworking band spent more than two days writing a song it would actually amount to something. Something rather than this completely copied caca.

THE NEW LOOKS sound really earnest and very indie. They kind of got that late 80’s/early 90’s New Zealand thing going for them. Not mind blowing stuff, but it does sound a little like THE CLEAN in their heyday, I suppose. Whatever. Who cares.

ALAN SINGLEY AND PANTS MACHINE are a total audio horror show. Various drums (real and programmed?), lame vocals, obligatory friendly indie lo fi organ, and various studio tricks do not make a well written song. Some of it sounds kinda neat through headphones but it still blows monkey balls outright.

THE BOY BATHING with their STARLIGHT VOCAL BAND aspirations exceed the irritation level well beyond the call of duty. The bad band name appropriately reflects the bad music here. This is trite cow dung for total dorks made by total dorks. The cutesy lead singer sounds like he is in need of a major ass beating. I would love to punch that smile right off his foofy face. As for rest of this untalented crew, I would like to take their acoustic guitars, campy synthesizers and shove them right up their collective doo doo tanks. If you actually like these turd burglars you are my mortal enemy forever. Someone please drop an electrical appliance in the tub to kill this boy. Now, soldier!!

THE ATTACK plays fairly generic full-on rock not too much unlike THE FLUID or SURGERY back in the day. Unlike the first track here, it is somewhat satisfying all the way through. It’s fairly forgettable however.

LONG DISTANCE VANS come across as a very third rate CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN. Maybe they should change the name to Long Distance Camper Vans. Slightly listenable but so the fuck what. There is absolutely nothing new here. Just like the rest of this disc. And on to my conclusion kiddos:

This does not even come remotely close to NICE STRONG ARM, AGITPOP, VOLCANO SUNS, THINKING FELLERS UNION LOCAL 282, POLVO, THE JESUS LIZARD or any of the great underground bands from the late 80’s/ early 90’s. I could call it the “golden age of indie rock” if I did not hate the term “indie rock’ so much these days. I can remember a time when playing great music took priority over fashion and cuteness. Indie rock has become tantamount to the conformity of the mainstream elite that it was supposed to rebel against in the first place. Indie rockers are the most dogmatic, close minded, and smug types of people you can ever meet these days. Most of them seem to think that their shit does not stink but Death Metal Douglas is here to tell them differently. Fuck the cool kids!! So much attitude. So little talent. No soul what so ever. Most of this CD is proof. Well shit me shinnies if total fucking soulless asswater like BRIGHT EYES, RANIER MARIA and RILO KILEY can sell and do well than I’m sure there is plenty a bright future for labels like Slow January and it’s ilk. Just as long as it steers clear from my stereo that is.

- Herring

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